X-Men The Last Stand Review

Well, well. This was an…interesting movie. Let’s take the good with the bad, shall we?

Note: There are no spoilers in the Good and Bad sections.

Good

– Lots of mutants kicking all kinds of mutant ass. While we get to know basically none of them, what we do see (such as glimpses of Toad) is great.

– Kelsey Grammar really does do a great job as Beast.

– When the action is hittin, it ‘tis off the proverbial hook, peeps. I can’t argue with the finale’s action setpiece. Rockin.

– “I’m the Juggernaut bitch!”

– Two words: Needle bombs.

– The idea of a ‘cure’ for what amounts to a race of people is a great and interesting idea…

Bad

– …until Brett Ratner got a hold of it. The whole premise of this film is a social struggle. Hell, the whole series is about this. That’s what makes X-Men the best comic book flicks this side of Spiderman. This time? We see practically nothing of that struggle. A few shots of protest marches != social commentary.

– The characters were just…cold. Storm tried to take more of a role, one that definitely seemed forced via producers, and a major character is killed in the first five minutes…and after a throwaway mention and a headstone, we see nothing else of said character.

– It’s just friggin boring. When things aren’t exploding, people are generally walking, meeting, or there’s a news broadcast of some sort. Ugh.

– The “Fastball Special” (where Collossus throws Wolverine) was friggin lame. There is a way to make that cool on screen. Holding Wolvie by his jacket and doing the swirl-and-toss? Terrible.

– The story goes nowhere. There is no beginning/middle/end for the plot. Only a few characters and how they adapt to the glacial plot point (not plural).

Ugly (INCLUDES SPOILERS!)

You have been warned.

– Professor X dies? What the fuck. What the fuck. I hate you Brett Ratner/writers/producers/whoever thought this was a good idea should be taken outside and shot. Repeatedly. Until the bullets run out. Then reload.

– Scott bites it and who cares? Not a damn soul. Worse? Neither do I. He’s just depressed, an eye beam gets Jean Grey out of the water, and then with one jaw-sucking *poof*, no more Cyclops. You don’t miss characters you don’t care about.

– Leech (the super power-depreciating boy) was not only completely forgotten about when the movie ended, he should not have turned off Juggernaut’s powers. Juggernaut is not a mutant—he is Xavier’s brother (a point never mentioned) and gets his powers from a special ruby. Not a mutant = should not be effected by Leech.

– The ending is total cop-out bullshit. C’mon people, we knew this wasn’t the last X-Men movie. Kill the cash cow? What executive would ever think that’s a good idea? Exactly.

– The plot holes were just ridiculous. One minute the Beast is telling the president “You should not use the mutant cure as a weapon,” and the president agrees, only to issue that exact order minutes later. This, my friends, is stupid.

– Ice Man finally went all icy. Awesome! Then he looks really strange and belts out the corniest line ever. Not awesome.

– Angel was worse than a subplot. It was just a sub. It had no actual plot.

– Don’t tell me the Danger Room featured Sentinels, or I will kick you in the junk. Twice. Those are sentinels like My Little Pony dolls represent horse racing champions.

SPOILERS END

Overall, I can’t believe I stayed up half the night to watch such a horrid film. After wasting two hours of my life (thanks for keeping it short), I don’t care anything about the X-Men film series any longer. They will probably make another one, this will probably make a lot of money. But for me, the thrill is gone. They may get the fanboys to fall for this one, but X-Men 4 (Resurrection?) will have an uphill battle.

I also heard there’s something at the end of the credits. Like I cared at that point.

Fight, over the clouds, over the earth, over sky.
Fight, over life, over blood, over air and light.