Life With Bell's Palsy

In a word? Inconvenient.

In a few other words? Silly, weird, frustrating, fascinating.

You’d be surprised how often I struggle with F’s and V’s and P’s. Damn those syllables that require too much teeth and lip action.

I went to the eye doctor yesterday and had my left eye looked at. The plan is to patch my right eye (Yes! Pirates rule!) and use my left as my primary vision.

Of course, thirteen years since I had an eye exam proved I can see approximately nothing via my left eye (it’s all blur-on-blur from that side of my face), so the doc had to order some very strong prescription contact samples.

Samples that she gets for free. And, because they’re free, they will take up to two weeks to get here.

Does this woman realize that, with a little luck, I may not actually have this stupid palsy in two weeks? I guess not. The idea is to save my right eye from damage now and not in, like, a friggin fortnight. You know, just so we’re all on the same page here. Did she not see the weird way I talk and laugh?

Ericka tells me not to laugh. It’s creepy. My friends say I look sad a lot.

It’s weird what people will say to you sometimes.

“You don’t look that much different.”

“I guess I used to smirk a lot,” I reply with a crooked smile and a stressed blink. 

You’d also be surprised how small your piehole becomes when half of it doesn’t work. I tried to eat a salad today, what a comedy of errors that was. In went the chicken but the lettuce hid behind my right molars. Don’t pick it out with your finger, I instructed myself as I spent the next minute or so coaxing it out with more food. I was having lunch with a friend and trying not to talk or eat funny. Kinda tough.

She, thankfully, was happy to ramble on about her life. This made me happy. I’ve never been so happy to not have to talk. I’m a listener anyway, the palsy simply expands on that concept.

Meanwhile I worry about my teeth because your saliva glands don’t function as normal because of the nerve damage. Hey, at least it gets my teeth brushed more often.

Secondly I speak in short bursts because while I can do the F’s and P’s in small doses, a few sentences and I’m spitting and flubbing all over the place.

If there’s something I’m grateful for in terms of this weird disorder, it’s the fact that I listen better now, that I’m more concise on what I say and how I say it, and I will definitely be more appreciative of my facial muscles when this is all over. Oh, yeah, and the ability to see clearly through my left eye thanks to my new contacts…whenever they get here.

Me? I’m a bright-sider. I’ll take a side, I’ll look at the negatives, and that damned silver lining always shows up at some point or other.

At what point that silver lining shows up is the question. I’m guessing right around two weeks. Then I’ll be in full pirate mode, rocking it out Depp style.

Just you wait.

Baker, Baker, baking a cake
Make me a day, make me whole again