First Date

When I was twelve-going-on-thirteen there was nothing really right with me. I began puberty with a bang, feeling oversized and outclassed at the same time.

In the time of chimpanzees I was a gorilla.

I had never been on a date, much less spoke with a girl ‘in that girlfriend way’ for more than…well, ever.

My friend Vince, however…Vince was the man. Vince had great olive skin and perfect hair, he dressed well and was athletic. He had girls clamoring for him. During that summer I never saw him without a short phone call or trip across the street from another female lusting after him.

At some point he realized I needed some…’action’. Not that sex was anywhere near what was going on here, more like someone to make out with and hang out with. You know, the sort of invisible training wheels put on any tween/early teen relationship.

He first introduced me to a girl named Brittany. Well, over the phone that is. He spoke to one of his girlfriends and she had a friend who was interested in whoever Vince recommended. So there I was, ready and eager. I was given a number, a name, and a “tell her Vince told you to call her.”

After an awkward phone call and conversation we agreed to go see a movie. I met her in a theater lobby, completely dumbfounded at what I saw.

She was…

She was…

Gorgeous.

“Br…Brittany?” I asked. I was wearing my bluejean shorts and a striped Duck Head shirt.

I felt like the biggest goof but at the same time, like a lottery winner. This was it! I was in there!

Amazingly she did not scream in horror and gave me a few fleeting glances as we exchanged hellos. We did the dead fish handshake thing, giggling at the silence. I was figidity and nervous and had one of those 25–stick Juicy Fruit packs and was tearing it up. She wasn’t interested in any gum and so we went inside the theater.

It was only later that I realized the irony of the movie we saw: Stephen King’s Needful Things starring Ed Harris.

Needful, indeed. I sat next to her, stealing looks and plotting my next suave move.

Plotting…plotting…watching the movie…

At some point I gathered up my courage, got her attention…

…and offered her a piece of gum. She refused. I began to chew it instead.

I could give her mine, I thought, in a kiss…

And then I would get all embarrassed again and before you know it…the movie ended. We walked out to the front entrance and we waited for our mothers to arrive.

“Thanks,” I said.

“Yeah.”

She got in her mother’s car and drove away. I, of course, was cursing my foolishness. I should’ve known better, after all. She was a beautiful girl and I was, you know, me. I could’ve done something. I was going to do something! But every time…every time…

Every time I had a chance, I balked. And so she was gone.

Vince asked me how it went and I tried to give an answer that didn’t sound completely pathetic. He had already spoken to Brittany who said she thought I didn’t like her. I never talked to her or put my arm around her or tried to kiss her. I just…sat there.

This is me, beating myself up. This is me, truly unaware that any girl would find me remotely attractive. This is me, trying to ask for another date, getting no return phone calls, hearing not a word from the girl but “yeah” in response to my thankfulness for having spent two hours seated next to her, my date, my actual date.

And this is me, reminiscing, thinking again of that beautiful girl in that tiny theater.

Oh so long ago.

Where are we? What the hell is going on?