Infuriations

Newsflash: Married couples get into fights.

Not uncommon, not daring, not amazing, and definitely not surprising to any of us who have our own beautiful, loving, and infuriating ball and chain.

They say you hurt the ones you love. But it works the other way around too.

Again with the Fight Club quotes. I apologize. I love my wife dearly, but there are secret, unknown buttons, hidden deep inside ourselves, and when the fit hits the shan, the gloves are off and the chips are down? Buttons gets pushed, not unlike a sweaty 12 year old at the arcade. Smashing, unabashed…bashing of buttons.

As the evening wore on, things came to a head. They always do, don’t they? Back and forth, arguments and retorts, one person not backing down and the other too stubborn to realize it isn’t worth it.

Finally, I run to my point of solace, the computer, and try to read some email.

And then…it happened. The worse thing that Ericka could’ve possibly done at that moment: She took the Mountain Dew sitting on my desk…my one, my only, the only cold soft drink in the house…

And she shook the living shit out of it.

She slammed it down on my desk with finality and said “Here!”

And I…was…devastated. My jaw hung on its hinge. I can’t stand flat drinks. Once upon a time, when I was younger and would drink just about anything wet, this wouldn’t have been a big deal.

But the thing hadn’t even been opened yet! It was perfect…pristine. It was just beginning to cool down, the cold film of condensation forming around the bottle. And now? It was ruined. The only thing that I had going for me the entire night was the ability to enjoy that drink.

This brought about two things: One, it ended the argument as Ericka was completely satisfied she had fucked with me enough (which she had). And secondly, it taught me about the importance of inconvenience.

You ever just wish someone would just hit you instead of do something amazingly inconvenient to you? The soda is one thing but here’s another example: A flat tire. I’d rather take an ass whooping than have to change a flat tire. Because it’s not just the tire. It’s the tire you change, the old one you need to put up, and the old you have to get fixed. Time, money, inconvenience.

Think of it like the after-Christmas Gift Return lines: What if there were two options: One with a guy who would punch you in the face and then process your return immediately, or the never-ending snaking-around-the-registers line that takes hours to make it through? Which would you choose and why?

Inconvenience almost always outweighs whatever pain it takes to use a shortcut. Ericka knew that hitting me wouldn’t be half as bad as inconviencing me for the rest of the evening.

Mission accomplished and argument over.

Stand up and let’s start showing
Just where our lives are going to