The Duke of Hazzard

When I was about five or six years old (circa '85, '86), I was a huge Dukes of Hazzard fan. And I mean huge. That show was my life for awhile, with its witty banter, Daisy Duke making me blush, and the Duke boys consistently outrunning and outmaneuvering Roscoe P. Coltrain in the effort to do good and set things right. I shared a healthy hatred for Boss Hog, too.

I had the bedsheets. The curtains. The pillows. The toys. I never missed an episode. Apparently, according to my mother, I had loved the show even before I became aware of my admiration: "You'd always stand up and dance when it came on," she says, "just shakin your diaper back and forth."

Of course you do know the new movie remake is coming out soon. I mean, if you're reading this blog I'm positive you're aware of this information.

But were you aware of the vicious backlash? When Cooter himself can't stand the flick (based on the script?), I wonder just how many remakes are too much. How many good memories of old shows can one Hollywood ruin?

Apparently, a whole shitload.

I pity the poor folks who had to sit through The Mod Squad. Those brave souls who endured The Avengers. They couldn't even leave video games be, with Alone in the Dark sitting at #44 on the IMDB Bottom 100 list. What good memories you may have had for those shows or experiences with that game are gone, dead, repackaged and sold to the sleaziest bidder.

Of course there are 'good' remakes, such as The Fugitive, but no one wants to bring those up. Because, well, even if Hollywood can actually bring a quality product to the big screen, it will ruin it with a shitty sequel. Oh, the humanity.

One of my most treasured memories as a kid was putting together a jigsaw puzzle of the General Lee with my dad. It took us hours to assemble the thing on the kitchen table, and I remember it coming together slowly over the evening, the iconic image of the car in mid-air over the creek, sailing to freedom from the cops chasing them. After it was assembled, we glued it together, then carefully slid it into the frame.

That picture stayed on my bedroom wall for about a decade.

I guess I'm not so much lamenting the movie being made than lamenting what it is: "Today's audience," as we are so widely known, need sex, drugs and rock and roll to spice up our 'boring' old shows. It's really odd for me to feel as if something is too outlandish and overbearing, my conservatism rearing its head out just in time for me to try and chop it off. But in terms of the upcoming movie, and the response from fans all over the world (go ahead, give it a Google), this collossal misfire will probably make a ton of cash just on pure nostalgia, and then fade from the limelight until the half-assed sequel comes along.

Maybe in the follow-up there will be a huge, sweaty three-way with Daisy and the Duke's, followed by Uncle Jesse man-raped with a broom handle. You know, something to really appeal to "Today's Young and Hot Demographic"? Sigh.

I can't wait to go back and do Japan
Get me lots of brand new fans

Tags: Dukes-of-Hazzard Daisy-Duke Coltrain Movie Cooter Mod-Squad Avengers IMDB Bottom-100 Fugitive Hollywood remake jigsaw puzzle