The Name Game
I think most net-savvy people have fully noticed that Penn Jillette has named his new baby girl Moxie Crimefighter. The poor thing, she may just have to dry her tears with her father?s hundred dollar bills. But I digress.
Today I want to talk about names, labels, and how they impact people.
For example, I hate my name. Well, not the name I now go by, which is Evan, but my first name, my ?Real? name. Jesse. Jesse Evan Erwin was my birth name, and I simply despise my first name, and not just because Jesse is, typically, a female name. Oh no. This rabbit hole goes quite a bit deeper than that.
I think the real question is, just how deep does adolescent scarring go? My answer: Pretty damn far.
In my middle and high school days, I was called Jesse. I was also teased, picked on, etc, and while I?m not proud to admit that, I am proud to say that it made me a stronger person and taught me a lot of lessons. One of the first was that names and tags and markers are just that?they?re indicators and descriptions for the people behind them. Sometimes you have to get away from them to try and change yourself. At least, I sure as hell had to.
I graduated early from high school, in 1997, a full year before my classmates. The secret was a few classes in Summer School (the easiest time I ever did in our public education system). But my backdoor way of graduating early failed on my friends.
?What are you doing,? they would say. ?Don?t you love high school??
I could now rant, rave, and create the most creative profane descriptions for my experience in middle and high school, but I won?t. Let?s just say the answer was a very positive, absolute, ?No.? Whatever enjoyment they got out of it came from their popularity and their enjoyment of various clubs, activities, and events the school ran. I got none whatsoever, so even though I knew almost no one from my graduating class (boy won?t reunions be fun?), I got out early, and I was happy to do it.
After I graduated there was a time when I still went by Jesse. It was only when I enrolled in the local community college did I find out that such things?titles, names, tags?were mallable. Here?s the scenario:
The first day of class, we fill out a survey of some sort (I can?t remember exactly what). The next morning the teacher calls out the names of the students to come to the front and pick theirs back up. She goes through the names in a slow, controlled fashion until she hesitates at one a moment longer than usual, then calls:
?Jessica Erwin? Jessica??
Insert cringing here. Insert a geek standing up with his head bowed, trying to smile sheepishly as he is embarrassed in front of new classmates. Insert a guy who is tired of his old name. Of his old ways. Of his old ideas and thoughts and opinions and preconceptions. For some reason the image coming to mind is that of the phoenix, rising from the ashes. But really, it felt more like a snake shedding its skin. I was so tired of that old name, those old feelings, those old jokes (?Jesse? Jesse James!?), those old terrible ?friends? I used to have.
So when I walked into my next class for the first time, they provided us with ?Name Tents? (ie, cardboard folded in half to stand up) for us to write our names down so when the teacher called on us he could call us by our Christian names and not ?Hey you in the back.? Looking at the piece of paper, I began to write a J?then erased it. EVAN ERWIN I scrawled, and then placed on top of the computer monitor in front of me.
Michael Marshall, a friend of mine, saw it and said ?What are you doing??
?I want to be called Evan from now on,? I said in a low voice, as though the surrounding strangers actually knew my ?real? first name and they would figure out the ruse. Furthermore, it only took a short exchange to set things straight.
?Jesse Erwin,? the professor droned, doing roll call. ?Jesse?? He called again after no answer. As he looked around the room, I raised my hand.
?I?d like to be called Evan,? I said.
And the rest is history.
Do you realize
That everyone you know someday will die
2 Comments:
At least you will know me at the reunion, BTW my wife's first name is Jessica similar to Jesse and she hates her first name too, thats why shes always called herself by her middle name, which is Brooks. Oddly enough Brooks is a boys name. Anyway You should have titled that post, how Jesse became Evan. And yes that confused me so much when you first changed your name, and even after all these years, I still sometimes refer to you as Jesse when I talk about you with Brooks.
I'll never forget the time I heard your mother call you Jesse. I'd never known you as that... Evan is a very adult name and I would venture to say that Jesse describes you b.a. (before adulthood). You'll always be Evan to me.
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